aruan | try to avoid having existential moments in the middle of chemistry

so yeah, jon, i had the very acute and very nearly maddening desire to be on that french polynesian island tiki hut doing anything but sitting in the cold, dank chemistry lecture hall and trying to decipher the greek colgate was writing on the board.

i mean this was bad. i had to walk out for sanity's sake.

i was taking notes, and all of a sudden i looked up and around myself and honestly, i had no idea where i was or why i was there or what i was doing or what anything meant. i had a tabula rasa moment. i swear i was lost. what is any of this? why am i here? but as i reassured myself of my surroundings, two more potent questions came to mind.

what does it matter and why anything?

i couldn't answer either one. i guess that's when i walked out, because suddenly chemistry became inane and the room took on the claustrophobia of a dark basement.

here's the thing though. i still can't answer them. i've calmed down, no longer so disgusted that i want to drop the college thing altogether for a breezy ocean shore, but there's now a distinct nagging voice echoing in the silences of my day repeating those two questions over and over, demanding that i stop ambling and pick a path in the yellow wood.