![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I resented the fact that this drug regulated functions of my body at the expense of causing emotional "side effects," as it were. (Works backwards too, with a drug like Prozak treating an emotional problem but having libido-decreasing side effects.) I did not see the benefit of having a regular cycle as enough to counter the taking away (dulling) of my emotional extremes, which I value both as the experience itself as well as something potentially constructive in whatever way I chose to channel it, whether that was to learn something about myself or to create something out of it. (I should note that this effect wasn't necessarily something I readily and documentably observed, but a logical conclusion to draw from the intended purpose of the drug, which is to modulate and control the body's hormone levels. The notion of it was enough to put me off.)
I started taking it again because whatever was causing the physical symptoms that necessitated it stood to be something actually wrong with my body's system (i.e. thyroid) and potentially hazardous to my immediate and future health. But I never stopped resenting the fact that the solution to this physical thing that was wrong with me had emotional consequences. Personally, I would rather take some sort of physical side effect than having either the "high" or "low" ends of my emotional spectrum scaled down. I felt like it changed something fundamental about me - I'm an extremes person, I thrive on the deviations, the further the better.
Interestingly, I never really stopped to consider that whatever physical problem I have that's wreaking havoc with my cycle might also be messing with my emotional/mental well-being in the process.
And you know what, on this second time around, I realized that it did in fact change something fundamental about me.
It raised my status quo.
In psychology, they call it your "personal norm" - it's your homeostasis, but not in the sense that it's where everything is stable, but it's where things even out. That standard has definitely been improved for me. I like the person I've been for the past two weeks a lot more than I've liked my self of the past three months. I can be alone and not feel this constant, low-grade disappointment with myself.
My friends couldn't have helped me with it, and I can't stand to have them think they could have. Aside from a general apathy and avoidance I'd developed for school, there were no real physical symptoms. Nothing like back in the sixth grade, which I still might resent my parents for not noticing and taking action about (my grades remained good and teachers weren't calling my house, so everything had to be okay). But whatever issues had caused those have probably either faded or been resolved and all I'm left with is an occasional bout of manifestation, which is probably more habit than compulsion now.
I'm a fixer. I don't like to talk about things unless I can understand what I'm talking about and find some way to successfully resolve it. If these criteria are not met, I feel like any talking done about the subject would amount to whining on my part and frustration for the person listening. That, and it comes down to the fact of my just not being in that state of mind when I'm with them - they're naturally endorphin-enducing because I simply don't feel like I should (nor do I tend to) endure the company of people I don't actively want to be around. I have neither the patience, the will, the energy, nor the personal faculties to deal with a person I don't want to deal with. Being social is seriously effort-expending for me. So when I am around people, it's what I want to be doing and it raises everything else, so however I was feeling before seems even less real. I hope those closest to me understand that.
I am better. I feel better bodily, I feel more in control emotionally, I feel more confident in my abilities which were always there but simply not given the credit they deserve nor allowed to demonstrate themselves in any sort of un-self-handicapped way. And I realize that these aren't the effects of some insidious chemical, but the resolution of something that was out of my free will control within me. I also no longer feel like this drug is something that lessens my experience of life - on the contrary, I think it's going to allow me to be able to see things more clearly for what they are (rather than filtering them through some pre-skewed lens) and experience things more purely (rather than letting my emotional state dictate my perception of them.)
Yes. And also, thank you to Miranda for her infinite patience in broadening the scope of my vision. Which, believe me, requires a lot of patience. I'm an 'ooh, pretty tree' person when there's a raging forest fire all around me.
I started taking it again because whatever was causing the physical symptoms that necessitated it stood to be something actually wrong with my body's system (i.e. thyroid) and potentially hazardous to my immediate and future health. But I never stopped resenting the fact that the solution to this physical thing that was wrong with me had emotional consequences. Personally, I would rather take some sort of physical side effect than having either the "high" or "low" ends of my emotional spectrum scaled down. I felt like it changed something fundamental about me - I'm an extremes person, I thrive on the deviations, the further the better.
Interestingly, I never really stopped to consider that whatever physical problem I have that's wreaking havoc with my cycle might also be messing with my emotional/mental well-being in the process.
And you know what, on this second time around, I realized that it did in fact change something fundamental about me.
It raised my status quo.
In psychology, they call it your "personal norm" - it's your homeostasis, but not in the sense that it's where everything is stable, but it's where things even out. That standard has definitely been improved for me. I like the person I've been for the past two weeks a lot more than I've liked my self of the past three months. I can be alone and not feel this constant, low-grade disappointment with myself.
My friends couldn't have helped me with it, and I can't stand to have them think they could have. Aside from a general apathy and avoidance I'd developed for school, there were no real physical symptoms. Nothing like back in the sixth grade, which I still might resent my parents for not noticing and taking action about (my grades remained good and teachers weren't calling my house, so everything had to be okay). But whatever issues had caused those have probably either faded or been resolved and all I'm left with is an occasional bout of manifestation, which is probably more habit than compulsion now.
I'm a fixer. I don't like to talk about things unless I can understand what I'm talking about and find some way to successfully resolve it. If these criteria are not met, I feel like any talking done about the subject would amount to whining on my part and frustration for the person listening. That, and it comes down to the fact of my just not being in that state of mind when I'm with them - they're naturally endorphin-enducing because I simply don't feel like I should (nor do I tend to) endure the company of people I don't actively want to be around. I have neither the patience, the will, the energy, nor the personal faculties to deal with a person I don't want to deal with. Being social is seriously effort-expending for me. So when I am around people, it's what I want to be doing and it raises everything else, so however I was feeling before seems even less real. I hope those closest to me understand that.
I am better. I feel better bodily, I feel more in control emotionally, I feel more confident in my abilities which were always there but simply not given the credit they deserve nor allowed to demonstrate themselves in any sort of un-self-handicapped way. And I realize that these aren't the effects of some insidious chemical, but the resolution of something that was out of my free will control within me. I also no longer feel like this drug is something that lessens my experience of life - on the contrary, I think it's going to allow me to be able to see things more clearly for what they are (rather than filtering them through some pre-skewed lens) and experience things more purely (rather than letting my emotional state dictate my perception of them.)
Yes. And also, thank you to Miranda for her infinite patience in broadening the scope of my vision. Which, believe me, requires a lot of patience. I'm an 'ooh, pretty tree' person when there's a raging forest fire all around me.
