if only things fit...
Oct. 25th, 2001 09:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aruanI suppose there's something to be said for his even returning my call. I really did leave him a rather curt message - "Hey, bum, it's me, here's a number, do what you want with it" aren't exactly words to melt hearts. But he knows me, he knows when my sarcasm is all I can manage to keep a straight face, and he humors me back but understands when it's important. I know him the same way. The disturbing thing though is I can now see why couples who have been together for a long time get married not necessarily out of love, but because they feel like the other knows them so well and their rapport has so much history behind it that there's no point starting over with a perfect stranger when there's comfort and security to be had there.
God, I need a life. I'm beginning to romanticize the unfulfilling dramas of the past. What am I thinking? What was I thinking? How did this boy go from being my passion to my sorrow to my antagonizer to the one person whose arms I want around me, telling me all will be well and that he is here and still loves me, because damned if I still love him. But we're back to the question of is that really what I need, or is it what i think would be the ultimate but ultimately flawed solution?
Maybe we really were meant for each other. no one should have to tolerate our sad sad problematics, our fumbling, bumbling, attempting with the utmost ungrace to merely live life, not to even mention make a relationship work. neither one of us is good at it. i push them away (to protect them or me?), he's constantly testing their loyalty. I do wonder sometimes if we could make any sort of friends. Then I think about how right it felt once, how wrong it felt later, and how confusing it's become since. The one thing I do want though is to know how he's doing. More specifically, I want to know how he's living life without me. Is he happy? Is he making it work with someone else? How?
The one thing that always struck people about us was how utterly different we are, how we could possibly find even common ground to walk on; and yet, the one thing I always marveled at was how well we fit together, how we complemented each other. Maybe that was the problem - we both needed help, and only he was getting it while still continuing to drain me otherwise. But I loved him, I did, and was happy to give, for the first time be the strong one and not merely hide behind a facade and pretend I was; but a part of me needed holding, nurturing, loving, and he was too busy figuring out new ways to assure I was completely invested in only him. And that's fair, given where he's coming from - but he neglected to see that I needed the same from him, and that's what finally broke us apart was his refusing to return the sacrifice. But I loved him and that's why I made that phone call. In time, I'll have my answers. And if nothing else, I'll always have a thousand moments and memories no one can ever deny. And perhaps more importantly, I'll move on.
God, I need a life. I'm beginning to romanticize the unfulfilling dramas of the past. What am I thinking? What was I thinking? How did this boy go from being my passion to my sorrow to my antagonizer to the one person whose arms I want around me, telling me all will be well and that he is here and still loves me, because damned if I still love him. But we're back to the question of is that really what I need, or is it what i think would be the ultimate but ultimately flawed solution?
Maybe we really were meant for each other. no one should have to tolerate our sad sad problematics, our fumbling, bumbling, attempting with the utmost ungrace to merely live life, not to even mention make a relationship work. neither one of us is good at it. i push them away (to protect them or me?), he's constantly testing their loyalty. I do wonder sometimes if we could make any sort of friends. Then I think about how right it felt once, how wrong it felt later, and how confusing it's become since. The one thing I do want though is to know how he's doing. More specifically, I want to know how he's living life without me. Is he happy? Is he making it work with someone else? How?
The one thing that always struck people about us was how utterly different we are, how we could possibly find even common ground to walk on; and yet, the one thing I always marveled at was how well we fit together, how we complemented each other. Maybe that was the problem - we both needed help, and only he was getting it while still continuing to drain me otherwise. But I loved him, I did, and was happy to give, for the first time be the strong one and not merely hide behind a facade and pretend I was; but a part of me needed holding, nurturing, loving, and he was too busy figuring out new ways to assure I was completely invested in only him. And that's fair, given where he's coming from - but he neglected to see that I needed the same from him, and that's what finally broke us apart was his refusing to return the sacrifice. But I loved him and that's why I made that phone call. In time, I'll have my answers. And if nothing else, I'll always have a thousand moments and memories no one can ever deny. And perhaps more importantly, I'll move on.
