on being delighted...
Apr. 8th, 2001 03:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aruanOne of the many things I'm delighted by in this relationship with James is that when I'm with him, I don't always have to have it together. I don't have to necessarily be the strong one, I don't have to constantly be vigilant and aware of everything that's happening between us and otherwise - the responsibility, for the first time in any of my relationships, is diffused. I can let my guard down and relax, knowing that I can -not- be in control and yet the world will not only not fall apart, but might even turn better than when I was clutching the reins so tightly my knuckles were turning white with the effort.
Mason says that the way he made peace with the idea of our separation was to take stock of me and realize that while I gave him comfort, it wasn't what he needed and only allowed for a certain amount of growth. And you know what? I don't want to do that. I have no desire to go through another relationship where I'm basically the surrogate mother because the guy happens to have turned out immature and fucked up in the head for whatever reason. And yet, his every gesture, every expression, every word inspires in me the deepest and most profound sensation of being loved and appreciated and an invitation to be open, to give instead of being purely receptive - I'm just now realizing how used to being a listener, a voyeur, a bystander I am. He makes me confront the things I've never discussed even with myself much less others; he genuinely listens, and I don't feel like I can't talk to him about my problems because he's got enough of his own. He makes me make him, and in turn myself, understand the issue instead of just topically discussing it and offering some nonsolution or dismissing it altogether, or simply letting me resolve it myself by removing themselves from the equation with some lame excuse.
He just has it so together. I feel almost like I'm not contributing anything to this cooperative scenario, as far as making him a better person - he's just so solid. No shame, no fear, no insecurities, nothing phases him in the slightest, and if it does, it does so momentarily, and homeostasis is promptly restored. It's amazing, I've watched it happen. Nothing is a big deal, nothing is taboo, there's never any cause to be embarrassed, and the sun will rise and set tomorrow just as it did today despite whatever may have occurred in that interval. I suppose maybe that's part of why I trust him so much - he's not thinking about himself when we're together; his focus lies solely in what we're doing and me, not his own hang-ups or possible needs. I think the boy's heart really is bottomless; there just seems to be no limit or end to the depths of his devotion.
Mason says that the way he made peace with the idea of our separation was to take stock of me and realize that while I gave him comfort, it wasn't what he needed and only allowed for a certain amount of growth. And you know what? I don't want to do that. I have no desire to go through another relationship where I'm basically the surrogate mother because the guy happens to have turned out immature and fucked up in the head for whatever reason. And yet, his every gesture, every expression, every word inspires in me the deepest and most profound sensation of being loved and appreciated and an invitation to be open, to give instead of being purely receptive - I'm just now realizing how used to being a listener, a voyeur, a bystander I am. He makes me confront the things I've never discussed even with myself much less others; he genuinely listens, and I don't feel like I can't talk to him about my problems because he's got enough of his own. He makes me make him, and in turn myself, understand the issue instead of just topically discussing it and offering some nonsolution or dismissing it altogether, or simply letting me resolve it myself by removing themselves from the equation with some lame excuse.
He just has it so together. I feel almost like I'm not contributing anything to this cooperative scenario, as far as making him a better person - he's just so solid. No shame, no fear, no insecurities, nothing phases him in the slightest, and if it does, it does so momentarily, and homeostasis is promptly restored. It's amazing, I've watched it happen. Nothing is a big deal, nothing is taboo, there's never any cause to be embarrassed, and the sun will rise and set tomorrow just as it did today despite whatever may have occurred in that interval. I suppose maybe that's part of why I trust him so much - he's not thinking about himself when we're together; his focus lies solely in what we're doing and me, not his own hang-ups or possible needs. I think the boy's heart really is bottomless; there just seems to be no limit or end to the depths of his devotion.
