![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aruani don't fantasize, i speculate, owing to an overentrenchement in reality. there is only so much disbelief i can suspend, and maybe that's my own loss, but somehow i think it saves me a lot of foolishness, embarrassment, and heartache. i suppose if one is thick-skinned or adept enough at the art of self-directed humor it's not a problem, but for those of us who are "small and fragile," a cushier mode of operation is better suited.
then again, the happiest people seem to be those who are overconfident to an unreasonable fault. so on the one hand you have a more balanced, objective interpretation of the facts of the world around you, and on the other, you have infinite possibility. hm. the possibilities in our lives much less our universe have been determined infinite, and in that i do approach things from the less likely standpoint. occam's razor notwithstanding, things -are- totally up for interpretive grabs, and in that, up for an unlimited range of options and results. however those results also encompass consequences,...
i just hope my expression didn't give away my disappointment.
my calc TA has a girlfriend. this upsets me in a veritable cornacopia of ways, the major one being the big dampening it put on my "inappropriate" musings involving him and usually the wooden teacher's desk at the front of our intimate little discussion group. they were getting to be pretty intricate too: just what i would say and how he'd make his move, the wafting chalkdust in the air roused from a class's worth of working problems, backs against blackboards and sweeping papers off smooth surfaces, trying to hide telltale chalk prints on my clothes as i ran to make it to my next class,...
but i digress. as far as the subject, i'm not sad, as that is what sulking generally implies. it's more of a lost feeling where i no longer know my place in some context, that being the mind of my calc TA. up until today, and today still, it seemed for all the world that he had if not a crush then a certain fondness for yours truly, always making all sorts of lingering eye contact, elbow and shoulder touching in conversation, specific inquiries as to my welfare and mastery of the subject matter at hand,... yes, i know all of this can quite neatly be chalked (no pun intended, ;) up to just that, a fondness. i know i have people i took to immediately and treat with a certain sort of favoritism in group situations. but still, i could've stood for it to be more. which means nothing, thanks, i know that, and yes, the ramifications could potentially have outweighed and blah blah blah... we're back to my sordid one-time (or strictly sexual) fantasies, which probably (though in my mind not conclusively) what this was all about. and it's not like i necessarily must set aside my machinations, the only applicable characteristic of the world being its infinite nature. there could be any number of things that can happen here. question is, how likely? the one right on the heels of that: is it worth it? he seems to be the kind of unconcernedly confident that can only come from having an incredibly large penis or a great girlfriend, and judging by his mannerism (that being his completely nonchalant tendency to not be out to impress or intimidate) it's the latter.
::sigh:: it could've been nice. and there's only so much that hot cocoa can compensate for. but no miranda, my "fantasy" hasn't been "smashed" - rather, my "speculation" has been "tweaked," and i think i'll settle for a certain favor. maybe sometime later, when you know, guys -my age- are walking around with receding hairlines...
then again, the happiest people seem to be those who are overconfident to an unreasonable fault. so on the one hand you have a more balanced, objective interpretation of the facts of the world around you, and on the other, you have infinite possibility. hm. the possibilities in our lives much less our universe have been determined infinite, and in that i do approach things from the less likely standpoint. occam's razor notwithstanding, things -are- totally up for interpretive grabs, and in that, up for an unlimited range of options and results. however those results also encompass consequences,...
i just hope my expression didn't give away my disappointment.
my calc TA has a girlfriend. this upsets me in a veritable cornacopia of ways, the major one being the big dampening it put on my "inappropriate" musings involving him and usually the wooden teacher's desk at the front of our intimate little discussion group. they were getting to be pretty intricate too: just what i would say and how he'd make his move, the wafting chalkdust in the air roused from a class's worth of working problems, backs against blackboards and sweeping papers off smooth surfaces, trying to hide telltale chalk prints on my clothes as i ran to make it to my next class,...
but i digress. as far as the subject, i'm not sad, as that is what sulking generally implies. it's more of a lost feeling where i no longer know my place in some context, that being the mind of my calc TA. up until today, and today still, it seemed for all the world that he had if not a crush then a certain fondness for yours truly, always making all sorts of lingering eye contact, elbow and shoulder touching in conversation, specific inquiries as to my welfare and mastery of the subject matter at hand,... yes, i know all of this can quite neatly be chalked (no pun intended, ;) up to just that, a fondness. i know i have people i took to immediately and treat with a certain sort of favoritism in group situations. but still, i could've stood for it to be more. which means nothing, thanks, i know that, and yes, the ramifications could potentially have outweighed and blah blah blah... we're back to my sordid one-time (or strictly sexual) fantasies, which probably (though in my mind not conclusively) what this was all about. and it's not like i necessarily must set aside my machinations, the only applicable characteristic of the world being its infinite nature. there could be any number of things that can happen here. question is, how likely? the one right on the heels of that: is it worth it? he seems to be the kind of unconcernedly confident that can only come from having an incredibly large penis or a great girlfriend, and judging by his mannerism (that being his completely nonchalant tendency to not be out to impress or intimidate) it's the latter.
::sigh:: it could've been nice. and there's only so much that hot cocoa can compensate for. but no miranda, my "fantasy" hasn't been "smashed" - rather, my "speculation" has been "tweaked," and i think i'll settle for a certain favor. maybe sometime later, when you know, guys -my age- are walking around with receding hairlines...
