we're gonna play a little game

[aruan]

It's called Forthrightness.

It's not playing the angsty songs that speak to your angsting inner soul while riding in a car with someone else who has nothing to do with the sidelong glares and choicely sung lyrics you're directing at the driver.

It's not making vague allusions in the middle of a group that stunts the dynamic and leaves everyone feeling out of sorts.

It's not steering conversation toward then circumnavigating the damn subject you're all but screaming to discuss by making comments under your breath.

It's not unjustly accusing one of crimes against humanity to her best friend.

It's not making vindictive, transparent posts in your LiveJournal.

It is, however, confronting the source of your torment and stating your position with a healthy heaping of a civilized "what the fuck?"


There, I've even rolled the dice. Even bone tired, aching, lost, overwhelmed, doubting, utterly nonconfrontational, against advice, belly-up without fortifications rolled the fucking dice. I thought we were friends first. If anyone needs to read signs, I think you've been too busy feeling sorry for yourself to remember that.

In a way, I didn't go to DragonCon. I ran away from home. Not to the place I should've, but I thought if need be, which it was, a place I could be given a hug and not be analyzed or judged for needing it. My apologies for the inconvenience.

Comments

[talisac.livejournal.com]

I don't get what you're talking about. But then, I'm probably not supposed to. However it's a good thing I didn't go with you to DragonCon since it looks like we wouldn't have made it there.

[gjstruthseeker.livejournal.com]

Oh I more than made it there. Much much happier update on that experience is coming up. This was something that needed to be said, because I'd officially had enough.

[gjstruthseeker.livejournal.com]

Thing one: If you want distance, you don't put yourself in the company of said person you're trying to distance yourself from. You don't invite them to your home, you don't try to make every kind of plan with them, you don't make allusions to the topic that, yes, might be the elephant in the room, but is also something that they're obviously having a hard time dealing with as well. I'm the one who should've been asking you to respect my silence. Communication skills suckage all around.

We talked about the reading of meaning with you and me. We've all gotta get better at this signposts thing. It's seemed for all the world like you've been trying to force the issue, and I honestly don't know. Sigh. There were warnings and no promises made. I know myself better than to do that. And like I've said from the beginning, we're too much alike in every way that leads to violently spectacular explosions.

Time granted, silence respected, thinking to be done.

[cloudysynapses.livejournal.com]

(months late, sorry)
youre right distancing maybe would have worked, then again full out feathering and tarring might have too (and im not talking about you), i just wanted to get some word. and having you here it seemed that some resolution would be sure to come about.

I came from europe, and it seemed like i was dropped like a bad habit. maybe i missed something before i left, some thickly obstacled trail to tell me that something was fucked up beyond repair. maybe i was blind because i was happy, but i choose not to think that. you didnt seem wronged last night i saw you. Went to europe i did, and i disappeared, into the sea into foreign countries. i came back and it seemed that nothing happened, ever. it seemed it all wasn't even worth a word. you didnt choose to give me that.

and you wonder and start questioning your own value in terms of everyone. worth no words.

i went to school, you asked to come up for dragCon, i figured you had something to say.

"You don't invite them to your home, you don't try to make every kind of plan with them"

you asked, i gave. i would never decline you anything eve, short of outrageous pink elephants. You are my best fucking friend, and that is an area limited to three fucking people. who would i be if i declined something to you. I trust you, just as much as i trust myself.

when you got here, i realized you didnt want to say anything. so i tried to just let you live somewhere on the side. I planned WITH you ? common , lets not be blind i danced on hot coals to figure out a way to not go to dragCon. Comon that Erika bullshit ? not on speaking terms. yeah bad lie there too. I went to a party that friday night, choose some idiotic mind-numbing party over you ? it seems stupid now, go , drink to forget, only to come home to bed with you. Yeah I'm an idiot sometimes.

i went out with Aris the other night, we went by all-gay part(great stuff,more later if you wish), and Aris said something that fits here perfectly, no silence, never be quiet, for future and for the past, always communicate, if it hurts you, if it hurts others, always speak, never hold on to words. (this was about me and his relationship)

what can i say, im a sucker for big conversations.




and no eve, i'm not gay ;) (chuckle)