An Easy How-To Guide for Future Prospectors

[aruan]

I was hit on tonight, in a show of even *more* horrifically spectacular incompetence than my attempt at taping the Buffy finale Tuesday night. This is for all the folks who have ever given even idle thought to wooing me. I do this as a public service to myself mostly, but I daresay it's a solid framework for most people.

1. Do not give me your resume. I am not at the stage of my life where the dating game has become some sort of elaborate interview process for the job of husband, father, and lucrative provider. I am a young woman barely in her early twenties. Your accomplishments will probably do more to increase my own sense of inadequacy at being on the brink of starting my third year of college and *still* not having any firm ambitions than earning you a place on this pedestal system you seem to think I have. I don't judge people on their fact sheets. This vibe-reading thing I've got? Charm of a phenomenon, and you can't fool it.

2. Should you choose to ignore #1, take care to keep your embellishments straight. For example, while listing your occupation(s), make sure that the shifts you claim to work do not have a time conflict, and that I probably will not buy that you have seven jobs.

3. I may be a good listener, but I can also give good conversation. I've been told I'm a clever, smart, and by some truly generous folks, funny person. I also tend to have opinions. If you'd like me in your life, do take a moment to at least breathe once every few minutes and try not to purposely pick one-sided topics like saltwater aquariums and the mechanics of windsurfing.

4. Do not underestimate the power of subtlety. It's not a lost art, promise. I enjoy being pursued as much as the next person, but I will get the hint that you like me equally well from a genuine smile than if you had instead chosen to stand on a table and shout it to the entire audience. Though I don't know if a positive answer would've dissuaged his efforts at all, sadly.

5. Learn to take a hint. I'm not a terribly direct person unless I really love or hate something, but given my highly expressive nature, you can pretty much always tell which end of the spectrum my feelings lean toward by reading small clues. Like the way I might yawn a little too elaborately. Or perhaps the hemming and hawing about giving you my cellphone number, even after you weaseled out my house line. Maybe the way I'm perfectly capable of saying the word 'no,' which I don't think should ever need to be spoken in elevated decibels. He didn't share that opinion.

6. Unless you can sing & dance or have won a Pulitzer, I will probably not be immediately impressed by you. I've got mediocre slacker friends at Yale and besides that, am possessed of a fairly healthy self-esteem all my own, independent of any need to bask in the limelight of someone with a laundry list of "positive attributes." Which is not to preclude the possibility of it ever occurring, but just as charm won't get you where talent is required, what you've accomplished outside the arena of our meeting really has no bearing on whether I'd rather stick blunt objects under my fingernails than ever have to be alone with you.

7. Don't assume I care. Because I do not (exemption being the acquaintance clause), though I've been told I have a kind face and am unfortunately quite unable of dismissing you outright. Note to self: work on that. I am not your therapist - if you're trying to hit on me, telling me about your childhood traumas and exes will probably only succeed in putting me off. Just because I'm not recoiling in disgust or doubling over with laughter, doesn't mean it's not what I want to be doing, and you ought to have a good sense of where those lines are.

8. Don't think you can guilt/coerce me into anything. I have an extremely limited sense of non-personal responsibility. Unless you're my friend or family, your problems do not concern me in the very least, and they certainly will not win you any favors. I also, to say the least, do not take kindly to being taken advantage of. Just, don't. Everyone's better and less bloodier off that way.

I'm a good person - I also have a very real problem with telling people directly that I'm not interested, though my copious hinting over the course of the evening probably made Sherlock Holmes roll over in his fictional grave and groan. I'm almost ready to never be hit on again.

Sean, the most gracious knight in shining armor ever, co-conspired to orchestrate an elaborate rescue, and I'm now enjoying the calming peace of a white chocolate Reese's and having my computer alive and well. *hugs her CPU* Don't you ever do that to me again! *squeezes it some more*

Comments

[gjstruthseeker.livejournal.com]

As soon as you're in the zip code and ready to defend my honor, babe. *g* He was a trip and a half - he's one of those people that make you go 'Is this guy for real?' Every time he looked away or left the patio for two seconds, my friend Sean was doubled over from laughing so hard.