aruan | drivers wanted.

Harvard Girl's Away Message:
Sometimes you feel like you've lived too long
Days drip slowly on the page
You catch yourself pacing the cage
Sometimes the best map will not guide you
You can't see what's round the bend
Sometimes the road leads through dark places
Sometimes the darkness is your friend

and it's in times like this that a bend is just around the, well, you know. this is what i mean when i say i feel old, even though it's only my twentieth this year - i don't truly feel like i've accomplished anything real. i mean, i've made things happen along the way that give me immense happiness and pride, but none of it seems substantial in a wordly way.
so if you've had the vehicle in cruise control for a while, opportunities tend to appear in the way of hairpin turns or forks in the road - at once appealing, a welcome challenge, yet dangerous to your continued safe travels in the same. so you've got a choice: cast all caution, good sense, fear and doubt to the wind, or take that straight and narrow detour up ahead.
fuck me if i ever do that again after this past week. ski slopes or new chapters, taking the headfirst plunge no harnesses no safety nets no guarantees has done nothing but make me feel strong, proud, confident, alive - but the thing i've stumbled upon, the big deal in this reckless little spree of speedfreaking and metaphorical platform diving i've spent my spring "break" gorging on is this tingling in spine, a little warm tightness of the chest, that genuine, toothy grin brought on by the adrenaline flooding your veins after a proper rollercoaster romp: happiness. the trick was to figure out that i like it about as soft and fluffy as the tongue on my men, the content of my fanfic, the taste of my indian food. vanilla is something i like as a milkshake, which should've told me something in and of itself...
so eat your words, all you presumptious, pitiful fools who accused that i would never know happiness, eat them and know that while you spit and sputter in all your inadequacy and regret, i am sipping the long island iced tea of euphoria. can't wait for the poolboy to bring the next round. and this time i'll take it as it comes and promise to think nothing of tomorrow or yesterday, only how good it tastes going down. mmm, existentialism.