The honeymoon is over.
Feb. 1st, 2004 05:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aruanI've actually been thinking about the boy, especially after our date on Friday night, and bounced some things off of ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
xalxuffasch over our Cafe Gardens lunch and laundry, then walkingshadow over Publix and Starbucks, coming inevitably to the same conclusion: We're completely incompatible.
Interesting stuff happened since we last spoke, and I guess I got carried away on a story tangent because we were up at my place by the time I finished. He takes a deliberate pause, at which he's looking at me pointedly, then says, "Yeah, and my day was fine, too, thanks for asking how it went."
Strike one.
Uh, whatever, man. (For the record, he spent it being bored, doing homework, and watching TV.) Which is neither here nor there, some days are like that, but why would you make a point of bringing it up if you don't have anything to say about it? Miranda and I don't sit around discussing philosophy and Things Of Consequence all the time, but we mention the interesting things that happened along the course of our day - maybe his roommate told a good story, or he saw something memorable on TV, or read something cool in one of his textbooks, but no, just a day. Miranda and I always get something out of the things we do - we don't live our lives, we have adventures in learning, escapades around town, and extracurricular romps. Our lives aren't necessarily as interesting as we choose to view them when you lay out the events objectively, but you'd never know it from the way we tell the stories. Which isn't to say we exaggerate or lie - we just take pleasure in the world around us and, failing that, make our own fun.
Back to the point, if I'm talking and he doesn't find what I'm saying interesting, then change the subject or pick up the thread in another place and go from there. I can take a hint. But don't not talk or complain about what I say when you don't, and definitely don't try to make me feel weird about what I was saying. I, unlike him, don't just say things to fill space, take care not to sound stupid, and find what I do say to be conversation-provoking, or at least in some way interesting to the person I'm speaking with, otherwise I wouldn't be wasting my breath. I'm perfectly okay with not speaking until I have something I find worth putting breath to.
Strike two.
Regarding the date I had to break (because of, let's review, being called in to work,) on Thursday night: "You owe me." At the time I told him, "Maybe my editor owes you," but what I really wanted to do was scoff in his face. Uh, no. As Miranda says, we owe so few things to such few people on this Earth, and he did not, in fact, gain a spot on that short list because of a broken date.
About his reaction to my opening Kathe's Emerald Cove tapes package, among other things - I don't need him to share in my enthusiasm. I recognize that my interests lie pretty far outside the norm of most people my age. To his credit, he asked what it was - however, if I'm so obviously excited about something, you'd think he could manage a "That's cool," or ask what it is about a Disney Channel soap opera I like so much, find out more about what makes me tick.
You'd be wrong on all counts.
Also, this utter lack of intensity in personality probably makes him relatively unable to empathize with what it's like to feel something that hard. I'm easily amused, it's true - it goes with loving life and my general optimism. I'm one of the more passionate people you'll run across, as Miranda will corroborate and something pretty readily evident if we've ever had a conversation longer than a couple of minutes. I don't make a secret of it - if anything, it'll put off those who don't like it and attract those who share or are otherwise intrigued/inspired by it. My drama queen title was well-earned in high school. And he just doesn't seem to get it. I've been a fan since practically out of the womb, and being with someone who can't understand what that means is pretty much out of the question - we'd only end up frustrated.
[Sidenote: When I mentioned calling Kathe to thank her for the Emerald Cove tapes (thank you again, hon!) all he had to say was, "But you're not gonna do it now." First of all, no, I wasn't going to do it right then, just making a mental note, and second, even if I was, all he should've been was encouraging, having seen how excited I was over the package.]
On that note, he's also terminally bland. He doesn't have any hobbies, he doesn't play any sports, and he gets bored. Harvey Danger says if you're bored then you're boring, and I tend to agree. Honestly, I don't know what it's like to not have something to do - my days never have enough hours. Now, not everyone might see what I do as worthwhile or whatever, but I read, I write, I research recreationally, I listen to music, I have opinions on movies, I like entertainment news and go looking for it. I don't need or even expect him to share any specific interests for reasons already mentioned, but I think a general interest/appreciation for the aforementioned, or at least my talking about it, is fairly necessary. Example,xalxuffasch knows next to nothing about music, but he'll listen to what I recommend and my opinions on it, he'll discuss music in the context he knows, which is movies, and idly gossip about whatever I'd read in that week's issue of US Weekly. All without making me feel like he's obliging me in some way, or that the things that interest me are somehow not valid enough for him. Yeah, he gets highbrow about things without having any of his own. Whatever.
The boy is also very... normal. He doesn't have any personality, expressive, or speech quirks I could point out, and I like that sort of thing about people. Not to come off narcissistic, but having a good conversation with me is, I think, a fairly memorable experience, if only because I'll possibly have made you dizzy with all the hand gestures. I'm outwardly enthusiastic, express a lot with my body, have dozens of conversational idiosyncrasies (i.e. I tend to ask myself questions and answer them in the next breath as a mode of emphasis.) I try to literally interact with the people I'm speaking with. That's possibly one of my biggest problem with him, that not only does he not have any of his own, but seems put off by mine.
As a general note, it's never good when someone else doesn't appreciate the things about you that you find interesting/worthwhile about yourself. They can compliment a thousand other things, but if they miss your subjectively important points, that's a pretty strong moodkill.
He has a really sucky sense of humor. No comic timing, asinine jokes, and generally making a fool of himself. And get this - when I don't laugh at his jokes, when I do the tactful thing and either let it pass or try to change the topic of conversation, he'll go back and try to explain them. At one point, he actually felt compelled to clarify things by saying, "I have a dry sense of humor." Underhandedly insulting someone's intelligence will get you nowhere, buddy. Miranda and I concur that possessing any such quality is like being a lady - if you have to say you are, chances are you're not. I don't laugh at his jokes not because I don't get them - I don't laugh because they're not funny. Maybe if he laid off the daily pot with his roommates...
Oh, also, when I make a joke and he doesn't get it, he makes me back up and explain it instead of saving face one way or the other (either he didn't get it, or I was lame, either way, move along, eh?) Not so much with the tact, this boy.
Our conversation after The Butterfly Effect led to something interesting, too. He'd brought up the God thing before, since he'd gone to Catholic school for most of his life, and he knows I'm an atheist, but I never got the chance to ask the question back. There was a segue that led me to do that, and apparently he does believe in a God, but not predestination and pretty much all the rest. So we have a discussion, civilized and well-spoken, my main contention being how is it more plausible that a creator being existed at the time the universe began rather than an infinitely compact ball of matter? We went back and forth, he made points, I made good counterpoints - then, all of a sudden, he scoots about two feet back from me and almost kicks me out, even going so far as to point out the time.
He didn't though, and we talked some more about other things, but when I made an offhand comment about having been baptized but not confirmed and therefore living in all kinds of sin and surely going to hell if I believed in any such place, he was silent for a moment before responding with, "You'll understand. Someday, you'll understand."
Do I even need to dignify that with a response?
Strike 20345824058 or something like that. I've lost count.
But perhaps the biggest issue, probably going back to the fact that he doesn't seem to have any discernible interests or hobbies, is that apparently, now that we're a thing, I'm supposed to make him priority one in my life. I'm supposed to want to spend my spare time with him, school, work, my other friends, and you know, my general need for alone time notwithstanding. Uh, no. Not even close, even. You work your way to that point, much in the same way as one earns respect instead of automatically expecting it just because I've let you into my life. I owe you nothing, and maybe it's selfish of me, but he can't expect me to drop any of the other things I have going. Not at first. If I have plans, it means I have plans. If I have to study for a test or write a paper, or go to work, it's not an excuse not to see him or code for not wanting to - it's that I have a life. Maybe he could try it sometime, too.
So, yes. I'm thinking one more date to see if I'm exaggerating any of that, but mostly, I think we're through here.
Quote of the Day:
Chris: "And I admit it, I trade my talent for money. I do it because I live in this world. I'm not an angel or a martyr. I'm happy that I get to do what I love and get paid extremely well for it. And that's what most people want. So if that makes me a whore, then pretty much everyone on the planet is a whore. Some of us are just luckier than others. I'm incredibly lucky. I know it. But I don't hold a gun to anyone's head. I don't force anyone to buy our records, or listen to our music. I work hard and honestly, and I'm not going to apologize for the fact that people like to listen to the music I like to make."
-Jae in Oddly Comforting, as recced by Miranda, and you really should go read the whole thing. I haven't seen this much amazing in that small a space since Tiff Rawlins' Save Yourself.
For the record, I'm personally fond of the word 'whore' and don't find it offensive unless it's said to be taken that way. I don't agree with Chris' ultimate conclusion though - rather, I think you're a whore if you like what you do. It's used, as Chris says, by men to speak derogatorily about strippers and porn stars, which is another definition entirely, but the connotation remains the same, and no one should have the power to make you feel bad about doing what you want/enjoy/love because it makes them feel insecure. There are things I'd give a lot of things for, but I don't think this cheapens me in any way.
P.S. Saw Lost In Translation last night. I've not felt like I wasted my time and money like that in a very long while. The theater was too cold (though they knew people would be wet from the rain), and I was bored to tears. Slice of life pieces are good when I care about the characters, and this did nothing for me.
P.P.S. GIP. Love that boy. And wow, this was long.
xalxuffasch over our Cafe Gardens lunch and laundry, then walkingshadow over Publix and Starbucks, coming inevitably to the same conclusion: We're completely incompatible.Interesting stuff happened since we last spoke, and I guess I got carried away on a story tangent because we were up at my place by the time I finished. He takes a deliberate pause, at which he's looking at me pointedly, then says, "Yeah, and my day was fine, too, thanks for asking how it went."
Strike one.
Uh, whatever, man. (For the record, he spent it being bored, doing homework, and watching TV.) Which is neither here nor there, some days are like that, but why would you make a point of bringing it up if you don't have anything to say about it? Miranda and I don't sit around discussing philosophy and Things Of Consequence all the time, but we mention the interesting things that happened along the course of our day - maybe his roommate told a good story, or he saw something memorable on TV, or read something cool in one of his textbooks, but no, just a day. Miranda and I always get something out of the things we do - we don't live our lives, we have adventures in learning, escapades around town, and extracurricular romps. Our lives aren't necessarily as interesting as we choose to view them when you lay out the events objectively, but you'd never know it from the way we tell the stories. Which isn't to say we exaggerate or lie - we just take pleasure in the world around us and, failing that, make our own fun.
Back to the point, if I'm talking and he doesn't find what I'm saying interesting, then change the subject or pick up the thread in another place and go from there. I can take a hint. But don't not talk or complain about what I say when you don't, and definitely don't try to make me feel weird about what I was saying. I, unlike him, don't just say things to fill space, take care not to sound stupid, and find what I do say to be conversation-provoking, or at least in some way interesting to the person I'm speaking with, otherwise I wouldn't be wasting my breath. I'm perfectly okay with not speaking until I have something I find worth putting breath to.
Strike two.
Regarding the date I had to break (because of, let's review, being called in to work,) on Thursday night: "You owe me." At the time I told him, "Maybe my editor owes you," but what I really wanted to do was scoff in his face. Uh, no. As Miranda says, we owe so few things to such few people on this Earth, and he did not, in fact, gain a spot on that short list because of a broken date.
About his reaction to my opening Kathe's Emerald Cove tapes package, among other things - I don't need him to share in my enthusiasm. I recognize that my interests lie pretty far outside the norm of most people my age. To his credit, he asked what it was - however, if I'm so obviously excited about something, you'd think he could manage a "That's cool," or ask what it is about a Disney Channel soap opera I like so much, find out more about what makes me tick.
You'd be wrong on all counts.
Also, this utter lack of intensity in personality probably makes him relatively unable to empathize with what it's like to feel something that hard. I'm easily amused, it's true - it goes with loving life and my general optimism. I'm one of the more passionate people you'll run across, as Miranda will corroborate and something pretty readily evident if we've ever had a conversation longer than a couple of minutes. I don't make a secret of it - if anything, it'll put off those who don't like it and attract those who share or are otherwise intrigued/inspired by it. My drama queen title was well-earned in high school. And he just doesn't seem to get it. I've been a fan since practically out of the womb, and being with someone who can't understand what that means is pretty much out of the question - we'd only end up frustrated.
[Sidenote: When I mentioned calling Kathe to thank her for the Emerald Cove tapes (thank you again, hon!) all he had to say was, "But you're not gonna do it now." First of all, no, I wasn't going to do it right then, just making a mental note, and second, even if I was, all he should've been was encouraging, having seen how excited I was over the package.]
On that note, he's also terminally bland. He doesn't have any hobbies, he doesn't play any sports, and he gets bored. Harvey Danger says if you're bored then you're boring, and I tend to agree. Honestly, I don't know what it's like to not have something to do - my days never have enough hours. Now, not everyone might see what I do as worthwhile or whatever, but I read, I write, I research recreationally, I listen to music, I have opinions on movies, I like entertainment news and go looking for it. I don't need or even expect him to share any specific interests for reasons already mentioned, but I think a general interest/appreciation for the aforementioned, or at least my talking about it, is fairly necessary. Example,
xalxuffasch knows next to nothing about music, but he'll listen to what I recommend and my opinions on it, he'll discuss music in the context he knows, which is movies, and idly gossip about whatever I'd read in that week's issue of US Weekly. All without making me feel like he's obliging me in some way, or that the things that interest me are somehow not valid enough for him. Yeah, he gets highbrow about things without having any of his own. Whatever.The boy is also very... normal. He doesn't have any personality, expressive, or speech quirks I could point out, and I like that sort of thing about people. Not to come off narcissistic, but having a good conversation with me is, I think, a fairly memorable experience, if only because I'll possibly have made you dizzy with all the hand gestures. I'm outwardly enthusiastic, express a lot with my body, have dozens of conversational idiosyncrasies (i.e. I tend to ask myself questions and answer them in the next breath as a mode of emphasis.) I try to literally interact with the people I'm speaking with. That's possibly one of my biggest problem with him, that not only does he not have any of his own, but seems put off by mine.
As a general note, it's never good when someone else doesn't appreciate the things about you that you find interesting/worthwhile about yourself. They can compliment a thousand other things, but if they miss your subjectively important points, that's a pretty strong moodkill.
He has a really sucky sense of humor. No comic timing, asinine jokes, and generally making a fool of himself. And get this - when I don't laugh at his jokes, when I do the tactful thing and either let it pass or try to change the topic of conversation, he'll go back and try to explain them. At one point, he actually felt compelled to clarify things by saying, "I have a dry sense of humor." Underhandedly insulting someone's intelligence will get you nowhere, buddy. Miranda and I concur that possessing any such quality is like being a lady - if you have to say you are, chances are you're not. I don't laugh at his jokes not because I don't get them - I don't laugh because they're not funny. Maybe if he laid off the daily pot with his roommates...
Oh, also, when I make a joke and he doesn't get it, he makes me back up and explain it instead of saving face one way or the other (either he didn't get it, or I was lame, either way, move along, eh?) Not so much with the tact, this boy.
Our conversation after The Butterfly Effect led to something interesting, too. He'd brought up the God thing before, since he'd gone to Catholic school for most of his life, and he knows I'm an atheist, but I never got the chance to ask the question back. There was a segue that led me to do that, and apparently he does believe in a God, but not predestination and pretty much all the rest. So we have a discussion, civilized and well-spoken, my main contention being how is it more plausible that a creator being existed at the time the universe began rather than an infinitely compact ball of matter? We went back and forth, he made points, I made good counterpoints - then, all of a sudden, he scoots about two feet back from me and almost kicks me out, even going so far as to point out the time.
He didn't though, and we talked some more about other things, but when I made an offhand comment about having been baptized but not confirmed and therefore living in all kinds of sin and surely going to hell if I believed in any such place, he was silent for a moment before responding with, "You'll understand. Someday, you'll understand."
Do I even need to dignify that with a response?
Strike 20345824058 or something like that. I've lost count.
But perhaps the biggest issue, probably going back to the fact that he doesn't seem to have any discernible interests or hobbies, is that apparently, now that we're a thing, I'm supposed to make him priority one in my life. I'm supposed to want to spend my spare time with him, school, work, my other friends, and you know, my general need for alone time notwithstanding. Uh, no. Not even close, even. You work your way to that point, much in the same way as one earns respect instead of automatically expecting it just because I've let you into my life. I owe you nothing, and maybe it's selfish of me, but he can't expect me to drop any of the other things I have going. Not at first. If I have plans, it means I have plans. If I have to study for a test or write a paper, or go to work, it's not an excuse not to see him or code for not wanting to - it's that I have a life. Maybe he could try it sometime, too.
So, yes. I'm thinking one more date to see if I'm exaggerating any of that, but mostly, I think we're through here.
Quote of the Day:
Chris: "And I admit it, I trade my talent for money. I do it because I live in this world. I'm not an angel or a martyr. I'm happy that I get to do what I love and get paid extremely well for it. And that's what most people want. So if that makes me a whore, then pretty much everyone on the planet is a whore. Some of us are just luckier than others. I'm incredibly lucky. I know it. But I don't hold a gun to anyone's head. I don't force anyone to buy our records, or listen to our music. I work hard and honestly, and I'm not going to apologize for the fact that people like to listen to the music I like to make."
-Jae in Oddly Comforting, as recced by Miranda, and you really should go read the whole thing. I haven't seen this much amazing in that small a space since Tiff Rawlins' Save Yourself.
For the record, I'm personally fond of the word 'whore' and don't find it offensive unless it's said to be taken that way. I don't agree with Chris' ultimate conclusion though - rather, I think you're a whore if you like what you do. It's used, as Chris says, by men to speak derogatorily about strippers and porn stars, which is another definition entirely, but the connotation remains the same, and no one should have the power to make you feel bad about doing what you want/enjoy/love because it makes them feel insecure. There are things I'd give a lot of things for, but I don't think this cheapens me in any way.
P.S. Saw Lost In Translation last night. I've not felt like I wasted my time and money like that in a very long while. The theater was too cold (though they knew people would be wet from the rain), and I was bored to tears. Slice of life pieces are good when I care about the characters, and this did nothing for me.
P.P.S. GIP. Love that boy. And wow, this was long.
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Re:
Date: February 1st, 2004 06:25 pm (UTC)