after I'm all out of reasons to run around

[aruan]

Checked out the bulletin boards around the J school after my tutoring stint in the writing lab this afternoon and jotted down addresses, Web sites, names and deadlines of newspapers looking for interns around the Southeast, all the while swallowing past the tightening knot of panic in my gut at the realization that after I'm done with school come this summer, my life will truly be my own.

It came very close to those forty-five minutes I spent shaking and in tears in the cabin of a 747 around three in the morning about 3/5ths of the way to France this summer. I realized in a rush that I will be six thousand miles away from any people and world I've ever known and will have to make a life for myself entirely by myself, and that there's really nothing much anyone could do to help me besides give advice probably only good an Atlantic Ocean away.

You've never heard about this because I've not yet posted my travel journal, which will be quite the simultaneously awe-inspiring and depressing chronicle of extraordinary accomplishments of seemingly mundane feats.

Until that moment, I was somehow thinking of going to France as a vacation - something planned and scheduled and minus the squabbling relatives. But it never was, from the moment I stepped off the plane. To be honest, it was a miracle I survived that first day, even moreso that it was without serious incident. CEA may have found me the apartment, but in all other respects, it was me. I hiked through Montmartre with two heavy bags and made sense of the utterly nonsensical surface streets. I shopped for groceries and learned when they bundled the day's croissants to be sold cheap because they were closing. I learned the subway routes and bought train tickets in French and made sense of schedules at two o'clock in the morning. I got to know the neighborhoods and districts and where to get everything from English books to the best forearm-length hot dogs covered in cheese.

And a thousand other things, and while a lot of it was wonderful, there were nights I all but cried myself to sleep from the immensity of it. I lived in Paris for over a month by my wits alone, not as a tourist but as a resident, and it was the most daunting, exciting, frustrating, impressive, humiliating, exhilarating thing I've ever done. I didn't climb Everest or traverse the jungles of the Congo, but in a lot of ways, my time in Paris is a story of survival. And honestly, if I made it there, you'd think a little graduation and finally merging into the general populace would be somewhat underwhelming in comparison.

And yet.

It's very likely that I won't end up back in South Florida after graduation. I know I won't be staying in Gainesville. Even if it's only Orlando or Tampa, I'm going to have to relocate, probably without what few people I've managed to hang on to since high school or met in college. And wherever it is, it shouldn't be as daunting as having an ocean between me and the world as I know it was, and this time I can mentally prepare, but any less scary it is not. I will truly be on my own and having to make my way through a world no amount of school could properly prepare you for - the real one.

Finished Tourist Season. Someone patch my broken heart and make me not rage against the decimation of our fair state in the name of yuppie tourists.

I have things I should be doing, laundry and cooking and reading for classes. Instead, I'm sitting on my bed huddled over Photoshop and the angstfest of music that was 80s power balladry. It's one of those days.

Comments

[halimede.livejournal.com]

*hugs* And remember, you love Paris. :) (And I garantee you day-to-day live out here in the real world isn't eventful every day, you get nice quiet flowy days.) *more hugs*

[gjstruthseeker.livejournal.com]

I do love Paris! Absolutely I love it, beyond any words that could hope to do the city or my emotions justice, but it was scary and hard and so fucking foreign a lot of the time, it didn't start out that way.

And it's not that life is necessarily eventful every day, but just the prospect of making my way through it, of my own finances and paperwork and no help from the parents and no guidance counselors and the thousand other things you don't think about until you're out there doing it yourself. That's what was so hard to do in Paris, despite my having done just that to a certain extent for the past three years, and what daunts me now.

[without-me.livejournal.com]

giddyupnow and I are going to get you to move here. Right? Right. So that's one thing settled, anyhow.

[gjstruthseeker.livejournal.com]

*g* Not unless one or more of you can shack up to split the rent with an entry-level newspaper girl. I don't want to stay in Florida, so it's not exactly like you'd be prying me from here. And you know, the prospect of having you, Schiz, J, and company within let's-do-dinner distance is mighty good incentive. I'm definitely keeping California in mind.

[without-me.livejournal.com]

There are always people looking for good roommates. It's just a matter of putting the word out.

LA has loads of newspapers, as well as numerous other Major Selling Points. I'm just sayin'.

[gjstruthseeker.livejournal.com]

as well as numerous other Major Selling Points

You sound like you're winding up. Sure you didn't miss your calling as a recruiter for the dark side? ;)

As well as insanely high cost of living, awful traffic and pollution, the occasional earthquake, etc. Though, come to think of it, I realize I don't much know anything about LA besides Studio City and Sunset Boulevard. But you'd still recommend it in spite of everything?

[without-me.livejournal.com]

Insanely high cost of living: True. I grew up in the SF area, though, so I just consider that normal. But it's also true that normal people manage to live here, somehow, and make the rent and pay the bills and still have enough left over to see a movie now and then. Or, y'know, go to a concert or two. ;)

Awful traffic: Also true, to a large extent. Though, as with so many things, it's mostly a question of learning how to work the system. Sure, working the system sometimes means You can't get there from here at rush hour, but more often it means Take this route, not that one. And (almost) always, always stay off the 405 unless it's absolutely necessary.

And pollution: It's not as bad as it used to be. No, seriously. And air quality varies depending on where in LA you live. I'm not going to claim the environment here is pristine--far from it--but I enjoy doing stuff outdoors and I don't feel like I need a gas mask.

The occasional earthquake: Absolutely. Living anywhere has its risks. I'll take earthquakes over hurricanes (or tornadoes, blizzards, etc.) any day of the week. Sure, they sometimes kill people. But I've lived in earthquake country virtually all my life, and I've never been more than minorly inconvenienced by a quake. I'd say you've had it worse in the past three weeks than I have in well over three decades.

I'd still recommend it: Not to everyone. Hell, I hated LA for a good 20 years. Ran it down every chance I got. Then I moved back "for six months" and the rest is history. I don't know that I'll be here the rest of my life--who knows what the future will bring?--but I don't know that I won't be, either. I absolutely love my neighborhood, I have great friends here, and the entertainment opportunities are, I think, second only to New York... and not necessarily even that, depending on what it is you're looking for. You certainly never need be bored in LA, that's for sure.

Plus, y'know, boys throwing tennis balls for their puppies. Priceless.

[gjstruthseeker.livejournal.com]

And why is that last line the selling point for me out of all of the above? *g* Thanks for the overview, I'll definitely be giving it a lot of thought in the coming weeks as summer internship application due dates approach.

[giddyupnow.livejournal.com]

You realize that all you have to say is when you're moving out and you've got yourself an insta-roomie, right? Just add water! Or something. I cook! I clean! I'm anal retentive about bills and disinfectants! What more could you ask for? ;-)

We'll both be recent grads with unimpressive paychecks, but it'll be enough to get something small with a bit of careful research. Even better if we can find one or two others, of course, but definitely doable regardless. And I've done enough apartment scouting around the west LA area to have gotten pretty good at it :-) Because hell if I'm moving back home if I can help it. Just sayin'. *g*

PS. That moment of deep down terror/realization/endless possibility when you're stranded in the middle of nowhere with nobody to help you and only your own self, which you don't quite know yet, to reach for? Like, yeah. We must reconvene on the subject at a later time over drinks.

[gjstruthseeker.livejournal.com]

*g* I did figure as much, yes, but good to know. Just out of curiosity, if we were to split typical rent on a three/four bedroom with the corresponding number of roommates, what would that run per person?

Re: PS. Definitely.

[kgoodbuddy.livejournal.com]

If you're looking for media work, stay away from college towns. The ready supply of fresh college grads keeps the average wage at nearly poverty level. Good luck ;-)

[gjstruthseeker.livejournal.com]

Hmm, excellent point. Though I do like Orlando, and they seem to want to be steering us toward staying in-state for at least a couple of years, though no idea why my Florida education should make me more marketable here. *shrug* Thanks for the good vibes and advice.

[krissi518.livejournal.com]

I think about that ALL the time. Life after college. It scares me to death.

Sometimes I think I want to stay in Gainesville and work at the Sun - just because I know the place and am comfortable here. Other times I want to move to Colorado where my best friend is. And still other times I think I should move somewhere I know no one and be truly on my own. I'm too dependent on other people and that will never change as long as I have those people around.

And to think this all happens in less than a year. I'm getting freaked out about it as I type...!

[gjstruthseeker.livejournal.com]

You'd even consider staying in Gainesville? I'd be out of here so fast if it weren't for the free education, but I understand your point about familiarity. I love South Florida a lot more since I've left, because going back, I know where all the cool spots are, where every street leads, what it's like.

Hm, overdependence on certain people. Interesting point. But do you think starting over with a blank slate would be a good decision? Not to discourage you or anything, but blank slates are fucking scary. I'm just saying, you don't need to do it out of a plane at 10,000 feet, the first time you leap.

[krissi518.livejournal.com]

Yeah, blank slates are really scary. I've been seriously thinking about Colorado. I'd at least know someone there and I absolutely fell in love with it when I visited.

Part of me really wants to move to New York and live there for awhile. I don't know anyone. I've never been there. But, I figure if I can survive there, I can survive anywhere.

But, I would be totally lost in a brand new place. Change scares me for the most part. I like the bubble I live in.

Also, I haven't really traveled to too many places, so Gainesville doesn't seem so bad. And I'd only want to stay a year or two. I could never settle down here and live out the rest of my life with all these college kids.

Enough rambling for now... I can't believe I formed this many coherent thoughts before 8 a.m.

[gjstruthseeker.livejournal.com]

New York isn't for everyone, so visit before you decide to take that plunge. Though it's a good indication you'd be happy in a place if it grabs you like Colorado did right off the plane.

And yeah, the bubble reason is why people learn to be complacent with their lot. Change is hard, but often so, so worth it.

[tallories.livejournal.com]

I have the utmost faith in you. You'll be able to accomplish anything that you set your mind to.

And, as much as I hate California for stealing so many cool people off to the west coast, I must say that the offices of the L.A. Times are impressive indeed. ;)

[gjstruthseeker.livejournal.com]

Your continued support of my (needlessly) self-doubt-ridden endeavours continues to be appreciated. I don't know why I freak out about things, as there's a tendency for fantastic beginner's competency in my track record.

I could tell you stories about the LA Times, how they weren't always the credible publication they are now and the issues that continue to keep them from being prestigious, but yes, it is overall a good paper and definitely one of the more interesting ones in the way of local news.

[tallories.livejournal.com]

I don't know much about that, but I do know that the people I've worked with at the L.A. Times have been talented, driven, professional and all around wonderful contacts who are very generous with their time. I can vouch for the environment if nothing else. ;) You graduate in May with a degree in journalism, I take it?