gimme your sugar, sugar

[aruan]

You all break my heart. I'm really going to have to eat alone in Orlando? Oh well, more Disney fudge for meee!

Sorting through some stray CDs tonight turned up the mix I burned seconds before getting in my car to drive to Orlando for what would be my popslash conversion over the weekend of CFTC IV. It's, as you'd guess, very heavy on the Smallville-themed set, with a few of my most profoundly vanilla pop favorites amusingly enough. I'd just come back from WizardWorld in Chicago and couldn't have loved the show any more than I did, and yet, it took giddyupnow, popfantastic, and mimesere all of six hours to work me over thoroughly. The CD was unlabeled, and while the biggest give was Kylie's Can't Get You Outta My Head, the most obvious clue as to the album's timeframe of genesis was the abscence of any *NSYNC songs. I don't think I've made a single mix CD without at least one track of theirs, group or solo, since. It's like the fannish version of carbon-dating.

Work tonight, and I've asked this before, but do remind me why we're bothering to put out a paper on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving? There was no one on campus today, much less tomorrow.

Mother parental unit called to ascertain I'd come straight home tomorrow, which I assured her I would and even promised to make pumpkin pie, for which I owe my newly perfected recipe to halimede but will post if anyone's interested. Thing is, going home has never been a homecoming for me, partially because, no, my home has never been a particularly happy place, but also because I'm made to feel like I'm disappointing everyone there in some way - be less sarcastic, be more ladylike, get a boyfriend, set your goals higher, lose weight, grow your hair out, stop wearing flip-flops, why don't you want to be happy? None of them have ever actually said that last one to me in so many words, but that's the gist even when I come bouncing out of the car to meet them and dance gleefully in my socks on our tiled kitchen floor and talk animatedly about school and work and it would be hard to act too much happier without it looking (and probably being) forced, because I am a happy kid - but not in the way they want me to be, ergo I couldn't possibly actually be happy. And it's just frustrating to go home and deal with the same looks, the same comments, the same silences every time and feel not good enough in the place where it shouldn't matter the most.

This, more than my antisocial tendencies, is probably why I keep very few but very good friends, around whom I have no trouble saying what's on my mind and being only who I am, because if they're willing to accept that, the rest is gravy. It's a byproduct of this outrageously healthy self-esteem I cultivated from god only knows where that I am only as I am, to anyone I interact with, and that's either good enough or I don't want to have anything to do with them, either. Life's too short.

Other people's notions of happiness are so strange. My father wanted me to be a tennis star - I'm terrified of physical pain and will run from projectiles before running to meet them. My stepfather wanted me to be a demure lady - I'd rather end up alone than be anyone's trophy wife. They're the two the least capable of swallowing the (to them) bitter pill that is how I turned out, but you know what? They did fuck-all besides the survival basics in the way of contributing to my upbringing, and that's as correspondingly far as my gratitude goes. I told walkingshadow this the other night - any job I have in this world need meet only a single requirement: make me financially solvent enough to never, ever have to depend on my parents for money again. But for now, I'll pack my bags and head out around 11/noonish tomorrow and have all the turkey I want over the course of the extended weekend, thank you.

Comments

[without-me.livejournal.com]

*hugs you tight* You are a marvelous friend and you deserve a family to match. Here's hoping you find that job (and soon--and in LA!).

[gjstruthseeker.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thanks, A. They've actually been good, father exempted, this time around. Apparently, adding to all of the aforementioned, they seem to be deeply questioning my sexuality for me. It's like they none of them know me in the slightest. *sigh* Whatever, they feed me well, they're not fighting, they do love me despite whatever else they feel, so mostly, it's cool.

Thanks for the support. I'm really thinking about doing summer courses on your side of the coast in addition to applying for jobs. So much to decide! So much to figure out!

[halimede.livejournal.com]

Go you with the strength. *hugs*

for which I owe my newly perfected recipe to halimede

Uhm, you do? I'm drawing a blank on that one. *g* I'd be interested in the recipe. :)

[gjstruthseeker.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :) And yes, which I'll have to you as soon as I get back to G'ville, as I forgot it on my desk next to bobblehead!Lance.

[xalxuffasch.livejournal.com]

I would just like to say, that those were some of the most inspired head lines I've read since, "STOCK MARKET CRASHES!" to "WAR!"

;)

[gjstruthseeker.livejournal.com]

...I'm not sure I followed.

[tallories.livejournal.com]

You've got to live your life for you, that's for sure. *hugs*

[gjstruthseeker.livejournal.com]

This is thoroughly and entirely true. And in a way, you can understand them being scared that I'm not doing the conventional things, but if its obviously not worrying me, then they need to learn to see that maybe, just maybe, there's more than one road to happiness.