pay no attention to the maturity of this post

[aruan]

Much-smarter-than-me best friend encouraged thinking about what I want to do when I grow up, if what I'm doing right now or the track I'm planning will keep me from it, if I still want to write, if newswriting will suck the soul out of my distinctly not-made-for-it prose, if fandom can be an adequate outlet for it if that's the only medium I choose to pursue it in, and what is it exactly that worries me about all this and is it insurmountable.

And I realized hey, let's not be afraid of what we want.

Yeah, it would be nice if I had another semester of school left so I could start out at the somewhat lighter gig of Freelance Editor, but if Dwayne has this mountain of confidence in me to speak my mind and get it right and I never understand where people get this confidence in my abilities but he cited me examples and damn it but he's right and I can and I cannot cannot be afraid of this. I want it, and that's okay, that's good, I'm not overstepping any boundaries but those of my own comfort zone.

I got a little hysterical back there when the realization hit that they want me to be an editor and fuck, but that's so much more faith than I would've put in myself before tonight. It's amazing what you can allow yourself to want once your horizons have been forcefully broadened.

You know, it really will be a fucking miserable job. I will be working eight hours a day, five days a week, for not much more than I'm making now. People will hate me for what I include, people will hate me for what I choose to pass over for coverage. Writers will hate me for criticizing their stories and getting final say about a turn of phrase. They won't see that I work twice as long as they do or that I won't have anything resembling even the pseudo-life I lead now.

If I'm honest with myself, I realize newspapers will only ever be something that's a good distraction for me, something I like but not anything that'll let me do what I want to. Because deep down inside lives a dancing dramatist, and it was my own damn fault for giving up on the things that could've made her matter because of a few of the wrong people whose opinions mattered just enough anyway to discourage me.

But it's time to play in the real world, and I'm going to do this, and I'm going to do it well, and yeah, I'll probably come close to slitting my wrists the first week, and then I will spend the weekend crying while walkingshadow attempts to comfort and coax me back from the edge, whereupon she'll take me for coffee and tell me she loves me and that I'm a smart, capable person who just needs to believe it. And that's all I'll need to do this right, and maybe even get a little closer to grown-up in the process. Staci says to make Dwayne promise I won't have to do it alone (the desk is split between two people, Metro and University). Wonder if Justin's staying on.

It's a little bit like going to France all over again, actually. That scary, that uncertain, that obvious nothing will keep me from falling on my face if I don't do my damnedest not to. Is this what life is? A series of stepping offs of planes in a foreign country with one suitcase if you're lucky?

Fuck. I'd kill for a cigarette and possibly some heavy anti-anxiety medication. Which I might actually look into - professionally, of course - before I develop a class-A ulcer over Winter Break about all of it.

Comments

[halimede.livejournal.com]

Fuck. I'd kill for a cigarette and possibly some heavy anti-anxiety medication. Which I might actually look into - professionally, of course - before I develop a class-A ulcer over Winter Break about all of it.

Please do start with breathing exercises and meditation and things which are a) not physically addictive and b) not likely to screw up your liver etc. first?

[gjstruthseeker.livejournal.com]

Except mine is not the panic attack kind of anxiety, it's the quiet insidious kind that makes you chew your nails and do an assortment of other compulsive things to yourself. Trust me, I absolutely despise mood-alterning drugs of any sort - my periods are still irregular and I refuse to take birth control pills - but this is something I've tried to rid myself of for half my life, and it hasn't happened yet. We'll see - I keep saying I'll talk to someone, but we're not even to that point.

[halimede.livejournal.com]

*nods*. Yeah, all I'm saying is leave 'm for last.

it's the quiet insidious kind that makes you chew your nails and do an assortment of other compulsive things to yourself.

That's actually the kind I'm more familiar with too. The non-chemical stuff does work on that kind of anxiety too.

I've known a lot of people who have taken one kind of mood-med or another, with varying success. In my not very statistically valid observation, people have more success treating depression with chemicals than anxiety, and the side-effects with anti-anxiety stuff are less predictable too. My theory is that's because basically you're messing with fear, and that's such a basic and necessary emotion & reflex. Difficult to target just one tiny aspect of it. So I worry when people I know consider them. *helpless shrug*

Speaking of which:
this is something I've tried to rid myself of for half my life, and it hasn't happened yet

Here's something from experience: with these kinds of things transforming them is sometimes more helpful than trying to stop it. It's a useful response, it just that the way it manifests might not be. Working with it can be one way of coping.

[digital-diva.livejournal.com]

that I'm a smart, capable person who just needs to believe it

And she would be right. So listen to her!

You're gonna be just fine. Sure you're worried and a little scared and that's totally okay. *hugs tight*

[gjstruthseeker.livejournal.com]

I really ought to listen to people who know me. They end up being so much righter than myself.

Thanks lots, hon. It's just not the next logical step in the office - that would be Desk Chief - then at least one more before that level of editorship. And yet, here we are. It's terribly cool and terribly scary at the same time.

[stargems.livejournal.com]

You're a Gator/J-school alum??!! Did we have this conversation before?? I feel as if I should have known this a long ass time ago.

I let my own doubts and laziness get me off track. I mean, yeah, I work at a magazine, but it's doing nothing remotely what I thought I'd be doing. The free-lance position sounds like a challenge and an opportunity. God only knows where it may lead you - and who says you can't do the drama on your time off? ;)

P.S. I"ve never seen that picture in your icon. That is almost too much.

[gjstruthseeker.livejournal.com]

*g* I think we have had this conversation before. And I won't be an alum until the end of the summer, but yes, Florida Gator and lovin' it over here.

It's just, I never really considered that step to be next. It's the leaping that's got me wigged. But then I think, have any of the best things in my life been anything but big leaps over a bunch of steps in the middle? That's how things tend to happen, but it's one thing to risk something for myself - this is taking on accountability for a good part of something that 50,000 people will see and judge. *meep*

I know! The first time I saw it, my breath caught and I teared right on up. They're so wee! But determined! And together! And you know, JoLa. Because, yes.

[withdiamonds.livejournal.com]

Is this what life is? A series of stepping offs of planes in a foreign country with one suitcase if you're lucky?

Yep. That's what makes it worth living. Otherwise it's boring and you stagnate and wonder why you bother to get out of bed. If you're lucky, it'll always be like that for you. With the occasional respite, of course.

[gjstruthseeker.livejournal.com]

*nod* It really is. It's the stuff you have to reach for that's scary, what makes you stretch and try and do the things that aren't conventionally safe or even smart.

Yeah, I wouldn't want to spend my life on the precipice or jumping. I can take a week like this one a couple times a year, tops, thanks.

[callsigns.livejournal.com]

Oh lord, you know, you're such an intelligent and capable person. Look at how your weigh this situation and disseminate it completely from all angles, before deciding to do the ballsy bold thing that will push you to be an even more intelligent and capable person than you already are. I have such faith in your ability to not only take this opportunity and run with it, but to capitalize on the positive aspects and learn from the negative ones. Hey, you did France by yourself; you can sure as hell do this!

I will snatch that cigarette right out of Lance's pretty little hands and give it over to you for a quick drag of confidence. Your friends believe in you, and what's absolutely fantastic is that you believe in you too. You go get 'em, tiger!

[hugs]

[gjstruthseeker.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much, Jessa. And yeah, the France thing - you know, it doesn't sound to most people like the enormous deal it ended up being, but I remember it, the before and during and yeah, I did come out different and knowing a little bit more than I did going in. And this time, I'm going to have three people who not only do their own jobs well, but are willing to do whatever I may need from them to do mine right, too. That openness, and the fact that I know I'll get good advice going to them, was a huge factor in my decision.

*g* Again, thank you. Just one once in a while is all I want, and that night, it would've been mighty nice. Clears the head, y'know? I've got too much rubbish going on up there for my own good sometimes.