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aruanI feel like writing, but not actually doing the writing. Tape recorder would only mean rambling and I'd have to get it down later anyway. So, updating as catharsis it is.
Oh, missed the Fandom People You Love meme. Snogs to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
isilya for being a talented, squee-happy fangirl. Much love and respect to pierydys for her wicked smarts and just being her wonderful self. popfantastic keeps me in wit and inspiration. mimesere's loveliness and good cheer never fail to make me genuinely happy, however I may've been feeling at the beginning of the conversation. And all the writers on my Friends list, seriously, because y'all are such brilliant, eloquent people. Thank you for sharing your talent and passion with the rest of us.
That's about all the sunshine this entry will manage. That was your official warning.
Just took inventory of what exactly makes me giddy about going home when there's so much shit to look forward to. Let's see now.
Jon, who has just been wonderful beyond the telling of it tonight, for which I thank him profusely. I'm a good writer and not someone he'll get tired of seeing, so says he. I'll take half that and be happy.
Fort Lauderdale Beach
Ice skating
Shopping
Barnes & Noble
Las Olas
maybe Nova, jury's still out on that one.
Okay. I can deal with the rest. *takes a deep breath*
I'm dropping MacroEconomics, if they'll still let me. There's no way I can even kid myself about catching up at this point.
Sigh. I lost a month in there. Not only that, I did that thing again, where everything is so big and many and out of my control and pressing that I go and exert control over the one thing I can, the one thing that will without fail make me happy, and have ergo gained probably a good five-to-sevenish pounds over the course of it. Fuck.Me. And really, it's fine with me, because I'm better now, and perfectly willing to do the aerobics thing again - hell, I even like it with Santa and Laura. But my father will notice and not let it escape verbal observation. My mother will notice but not say anything, and our annoying as fuck nosy pissant of a neighbor will make more underhanded derogatory remarks, for which I might actually slap him this time. I'm so very, very okay with myself, and yet these insipid morons who are supposed to love and support me band together to give me issues. I didn't need you to raise me, I turned out pretty decently despite your incompetence, and I sure as fuck don't need you to take inventory of my life now that I'm out of your jurisdiction.
Sigh. I feel a little better now. It's just, fuck off, you know? You didn't do it right the first time, fine, I'm still standing, but for fuck's sake, lay off me now that I'm old enough to do my own laundry and keep myself in college, okay? I may not be stellar at it, but maybe if you had a little faith to offer instead of criticism, it would go a long way to help that.
Apparently, one can't live on coffee and pastries alone. I think I know how it must feel to have speed coursing through my veins. I could go to bed ragingly hungry and wired right now and ruin all of tomorrow by getting negligible quality sleep. However, it's soup out of a can because dammit, something will get written tonight before I curl up in my bed.
This entry was very raw. I feel exposed and found wanting.
*just reminding herself* Lance and Joey are destined for each other in every way. Legolas's love for Aragorn is purer than virgin, white snow. JC is only getting exponentially more beautiful by the passing moment, and soon I will have a week to lounge in the sun and read Lord of the Rings. The epic is mostly plotted and stands ready to be spewed. I have a lot of music, an Ethernet connection to be used for good or evil, no obligation to perform another monologue in the near future.
I am a pretty, intelligent, occasionally funny and sometimes kooky person who loves herself despite the current tides of indecision, powerlessness, inadequacy, and vague despair that disturb her waters.
Tomorrow will be another day.
Oh, missed the Fandom People You Love meme. Snogs to
isilya for being a talented, squee-happy fangirl. Much love and respect to pierydys for her wicked smarts and just being her wonderful self. popfantastic keeps me in wit and inspiration. mimesere's loveliness and good cheer never fail to make me genuinely happy, however I may've been feeling at the beginning of the conversation. And all the writers on my Friends list, seriously, because y'all are such brilliant, eloquent people. Thank you for sharing your talent and passion with the rest of us. That's about all the sunshine this entry will manage. That was your official warning.
Just took inventory of what exactly makes me giddy about going home when there's so much shit to look forward to. Let's see now.
Jon, who has just been wonderful beyond the telling of it tonight, for which I thank him profusely. I'm a good writer and not someone he'll get tired of seeing, so says he. I'll take half that and be happy.
Fort Lauderdale Beach
Ice skating
Shopping
Barnes & Noble
Las Olas
maybe Nova, jury's still out on that one.
Okay. I can deal with the rest. *takes a deep breath*
I'm dropping MacroEconomics, if they'll still let me. There's no way I can even kid myself about catching up at this point.
Sigh. I lost a month in there. Not only that, I did that thing again, where everything is so big and many and out of my control and pressing that I go and exert control over the one thing I can, the one thing that will without fail make me happy, and have ergo gained probably a good five-to-sevenish pounds over the course of it. Fuck.Me. And really, it's fine with me, because I'm better now, and perfectly willing to do the aerobics thing again - hell, I even like it with Santa and Laura. But my father will notice and not let it escape verbal observation. My mother will notice but not say anything, and our annoying as fuck nosy pissant of a neighbor will make more underhanded derogatory remarks, for which I might actually slap him this time. I'm so very, very okay with myself, and yet these insipid morons who are supposed to love and support me band together to give me issues. I didn't need you to raise me, I turned out pretty decently despite your incompetence, and I sure as fuck don't need you to take inventory of my life now that I'm out of your jurisdiction.
Sigh. I feel a little better now. It's just, fuck off, you know? You didn't do it right the first time, fine, I'm still standing, but for fuck's sake, lay off me now that I'm old enough to do my own laundry and keep myself in college, okay? I may not be stellar at it, but maybe if you had a little faith to offer instead of criticism, it would go a long way to help that.
Apparently, one can't live on coffee and pastries alone. I think I know how it must feel to have speed coursing through my veins. I could go to bed ragingly hungry and wired right now and ruin all of tomorrow by getting negligible quality sleep. However, it's soup out of a can because dammit, something will get written tonight before I curl up in my bed.
This entry was very raw. I feel exposed and found wanting.
*just reminding herself* Lance and Joey are destined for each other in every way. Legolas's love for Aragorn is purer than virgin, white snow. JC is only getting exponentially more beautiful by the passing moment, and soon I will have a week to lounge in the sun and read Lord of the Rings. The epic is mostly plotted and stands ready to be spewed. I have a lot of music, an Ethernet connection to be used for good or evil, no obligation to perform another monologue in the near future.
I am a pretty, intelligent, occasionally funny and sometimes kooky person who loves herself despite the current tides of indecision, powerlessness, inadequacy, and vague despair that disturb her waters.
Tomorrow will be another day.
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no subject
Date: March 5th, 2003 10:59 am (UTC)I felt a bit like a tool, making that post after your very poignant one about self-image and the catharsis of emotion ending up on your friends' list of neuroses by proxy. And then especially Te's comment about 'if they think those things about themselves, what must they think of you,' etc. I didn't mean it in any such way. I always feel a little guilty venting like this because it's not meant as a cry for help, and obviously I haven't grown spine enough to address the real roots of my problem, so why should my friends be subjected to it? What's funny is that the weight thing? It's an entirely personal issue. I don't notice it about other people, nor do I judge them for it. I have friends across that spectrum, and it's even mostly a non-issue so long as I am satisfied with how my clothes look on me. I couldn't really care two ways about the entire matter until I go home and hear the same things I've been hearing when I was perfectly normal weight for my height back in the fifth grade.
As to rest of whatever I deal with there, whatever. I don't want to run my own business. I don't want to be any sort of doctor, much less a dentist as I find the whole rooting around in people's mouths thing repulsive. Yes, I could probably change things about my life or develop more discipline in others, but I'm obviously either not ready to, not yet motivated to, or not willing to as it's entirely possible that I'm dealing with something bigger. And they don't.get.that. When can I stop being a child, please?
It's probably a thing of great goodness that I'm not prone to "self-abuse" short of biting my nails, and even that I like to think is more anxiety-related. And honestly, sometimes when I feel like I did while writing that entry, I just want to smack myself upside the head because really, truly, I've got it good. In the place where I'm at, with the person I'm privileged to call my best friend, the things that I am doing and all the others there's the option of, there's no reason to feel any of these negative, irrational things. And that's even before I read others' posts about, you know, real problems. *hugs*
I didn't make the post to have people tell me I look fabulous, that I'm a great person and to hellfire with anyone who says otherwise. But I can't say hearing it hasn't been nice, even if it is a pretty subjective audience here. Truth be told, I like myself. Sure, I could be more motivated, social and punctual, but truly, if that's my list of sins than I think I'm better off than most. And it'll take a lot more than a few petty, narrow-minded people to make me lose faith in myself.