I could go for a nice, smoky lounge and bitch typist right now.

[aruan]

I feel like writing, but not actually doing the writing. Tape recorder would only mean rambling and I'd have to get it down later anyway. So, updating as catharsis it is.

Oh, missed the Fandom People You Love meme. Snogs to isilya for being a talented, squee-happy fangirl. Much love and respect to pierydys for her wicked smarts and just being her wonderful self. popfantastic keeps me in wit and inspiration. mimesere's loveliness and good cheer never fail to make me genuinely happy, however I may've been feeling at the beginning of the conversation. And all the writers on my Friends list, seriously, because y'all are such brilliant, eloquent people. Thank you for sharing your talent and passion with the rest of us.

That's about all the sunshine this entry will manage. That was your official warning.

Just took inventory of what exactly makes me giddy about going home when there's so much shit to look forward to. Let's see now.

Jon, who has just been wonderful beyond the telling of it tonight, for which I thank him profusely. I'm a good writer and not someone he'll get tired of seeing, so says he. I'll take half that and be happy.
Fort Lauderdale Beach
Ice skating
Shopping
Barnes & Noble
Las Olas
maybe Nova, jury's still out on that one.

Okay. I can deal with the rest. *takes a deep breath*

I'm dropping MacroEconomics, if they'll still let me. There's no way I can even kid myself about catching up at this point.

Sigh. I lost a month in there. Not only that, I did that thing again, where everything is so big and many and out of my control and pressing that I go and exert control over the one thing I can, the one thing that will without fail make me happy, and have ergo gained probably a good five-to-sevenish pounds over the course of it. Fuck.Me. And really, it's fine with me, because I'm better now, and perfectly willing to do the aerobics thing again - hell, I even like it with Santa and Laura. But my father will notice and not let it escape verbal observation. My mother will notice but not say anything, and our annoying as fuck nosy pissant of a neighbor will make more underhanded derogatory remarks, for which I might actually slap him this time. I'm so very, very okay with myself, and yet these insipid morons who are supposed to love and support me band together to give me issues. I didn't need you to raise me, I turned out pretty decently despite your incompetence, and I sure as fuck don't need you to take inventory of my life now that I'm out of your jurisdiction.


Sigh. I feel a little better now. It's just, fuck off, you know? You didn't do it right the first time, fine, I'm still standing, but for fuck's sake, lay off me now that I'm old enough to do my own laundry and keep myself in college, okay? I may not be stellar at it, but maybe if you had a little faith to offer instead of criticism, it would go a long way to help that.

Apparently, one can't live on coffee and pastries alone. I think I know how it must feel to have speed coursing through my veins. I could go to bed ragingly hungry and wired right now and ruin all of tomorrow by getting negligible quality sleep. However, it's soup out of a can because dammit, something will get written tonight before I curl up in my bed.

This entry was very raw. I feel exposed and found wanting.

*just reminding herself* Lance and Joey are destined for each other in every way. Legolas's love for Aragorn is purer than virgin, white snow. JC is only getting exponentially more beautiful by the passing moment, and soon I will have a week to lounge in the sun and read Lord of the Rings. The epic is mostly plotted and stands ready to be spewed. I have a lot of music, an Ethernet connection to be used for good or evil, no obligation to perform another monologue in the near future.

I am a pretty, intelligent, occasionally funny and sometimes kooky person who loves herself despite the current tides of indecision, powerlessness, inadequacy, and vague despair that disturb her waters.

Tomorrow will be another day.

Comments

[walkingshadow.livejournal.com]

I am a pretty, intelligent, occasionally funny and sometimes kooky person who loves herself despite the current tides of indecision, powerlessness, inadequacy, and vague despair that disturb her waters.

And don't you fucking forget it. Anyone says otherwise? You send them on over to me. It's already taken care of.

It's a low ebb in the elation-dejection cycle of your life, but just remember that it always turns again--and that everything's better, however marginally, after warm food and more sleep and pictures of pretty men who love each other.

::offers faith::

[gjstruthseeker.livejournal.com]

*hugs you tight*

Nevereverever letting you go. The food is already helping, and those caps of Karl are doing me wonders as we speak. Just, thank you, you know? I mean, real appreciation here, for everything, listening, talking, being you, letting me be me, whatever that happens to mean.

That it doesn't scare me to let you know that means everything.

[silentfire.livejournal.com]

dude. what she said. anyone who can't see what an amazing person you are, just as you are, deserves to be kicked in the head.

::volunteers for the job::

i love you, kid, and even though i'm far away- i'm here.

[gjstruthseeker.livejournal.com]

*mwah*

Thank you, darling. You two have truly done me over this weekend. And thanks for volunteering to stick up for me. The thought possibly matters more than actual execution of it would.

Glad to see you're home safe. Hope to see you again this summer.

[xalxuffasch.livejournal.com]

My sentiments are the same as everyone else, except a little shy. I would gladly teach anyone the appropriate otherwise about you through a wee bit of physical action. However my confidence also extends to the fact that in the realm of bare knuckle boxing, and the like, you probably have one up on me. Final summation, while I am so, so behind you, I'll stay with the menacing fist waving, derogartory retorts and general moral support and let you do the edumacations.

[gjstruthseeker.livejournal.com]

I would gladly teach anyone the appropriate otherwise about you through a wee bit of physical action.

*g* Thanks, babe. It's cool to know that, because while I more often than not let things ride for my part, I'm a bit overeager in picking up arms for others. Good to know my back is gotten. Err, yes.

However my confidence also extends to the fact that in the realm of bare knuckle boxing, and the like, you probably have one up on me.

Heh. You shouldn't concede information like that to your arch-rival in world conquest, Jonathan. Good thing I've no taste for the sport. Some ice skating, perhaps? *wink*

Final summation, while I am so, so behind you, I'll stay with the menacing fist waving, derogartory retorts and general moral support and let you do the edumacations.

More than I would ask and much appreciated.

[popfantastic.livejournal.com]

I'm glad I keep someone in wit.

I am a pretty, intelligent, occasionally funny and sometimes kooky person who loves herself despite the current tides of indecision, powerlessness, inadequacy, and vague despair that disturb her waters.

I think that's the best anyone can be, really. *hugs*

[gjstruthseeker.livejournal.com]

*gratefully accepts both gesture and sentiment*

I felt a bit like a tool, making that post after your very poignant one about self-image and the catharsis of emotion ending up on your friends' list of neuroses by proxy. And then especially Te's comment about 'if they think those things about themselves, what must they think of you,' etc. I didn't mean it in any such way. I always feel a little guilty venting like this because it's not meant as a cry for help, and obviously I haven't grown spine enough to address the real roots of my problem, so why should my friends be subjected to it? What's funny is that the weight thing? It's an entirely personal issue. I don't notice it about other people, nor do I judge them for it. I have friends across that spectrum, and it's even mostly a non-issue so long as I am satisfied with how my clothes look on me. I couldn't really care two ways about the entire matter until I go home and hear the same things I've been hearing when I was perfectly normal weight for my height back in the fifth grade.

As to rest of whatever I deal with there, whatever. I don't want to run my own business. I don't want to be any sort of doctor, much less a dentist as I find the whole rooting around in people's mouths thing repulsive. Yes, I could probably change things about my life or develop more discipline in others, but I'm obviously either not ready to, not yet motivated to, or not willing to as it's entirely possible that I'm dealing with something bigger. And they don't.get.that. When can I stop being a child, please?

It's probably a thing of great goodness that I'm not prone to "self-abuse" short of biting my nails, and even that I like to think is more anxiety-related. And honestly, sometimes when I feel like I did while writing that entry, I just want to smack myself upside the head because really, truly, I've got it good. In the place where I'm at, with the person I'm privileged to call my best friend, the things that I am doing and all the others there's the option of, there's no reason to feel any of these negative, irrational things. And that's even before I read others' posts about, you know, real problems. *hugs*

I didn't make the post to have people tell me I look fabulous, that I'm a great person and to hellfire with anyone who says otherwise. But I can't say hearing it hasn't been nice, even if it is a pretty subjective audience here. Truth be told, I like myself. Sure, I could be more motivated, social and punctual, but truly, if that's my list of sins than I think I'm better off than most. And it'll take a lot more than a few petty, narrow-minded people to make me lose faith in myself.

[crazybutsound]

I don't know you so I can't really offer any sort of reassurance or whatever, so I'll just give you a hug and a "you go girl" for not losing faith in yourself.

*hugs*

You go, girl! ;-)

[gjstruthseeker.livejournal.com]

Love the Justin icon. He's much the sweet, affirmation-needing puppy.

As far as faith in myself, if it ever comes to losing it, it won't be because of my loser father figures. Got over trying or even wanting to please those a very long time ago. At the end of the day, I only do the things I want and don't live to regret, but the fact that they find flaw with it anyway, even though they see that I'm happy in the things I do, is frustrating. I love my mother and she's caught onto that, and has mostly stopped trying to impose her happiness ideals on me. I realize they want only what's best for me, I do, but that's not for them to know, much less decide.

Thanks for the support though. *hugs* It's good to know that there are people who can respect what I'm doing because I choose to do it.

[crazybutsound]

You're welcome. And can I say I admire you for achieving this? I mean, the will to do what pleases you, and the understanding that even though disappointing, the fact you might not get backup on your choices from your parents isn't reason enough to stop trying and believing in yourself. I wish I were that strong.

Thing is, though... How can you rebel against an excess of love and not feel shitty about yourself (talking about me, here)? I do know my parents love me and want what's best for me, but their constant criticism of everything I do, love, get passionate about, and my weight still undermines me so much, I end up having close to no faith in myself at all. I do know they love me, and I do know I shouldn't feel bad about choosing to live for myself despite the disappointment I'm causing them, but I'm still too conflicted about all of it to be really happy about it. And I certainly can't find the strength to believe in myself.

So I understand what you might be going through, but I also admire you for trying to keep your strength. And I hope you never lose faith in yourself because you're obviously well worth that faith... if you know what I mean.

And thanks about the icon. I kind of like it, too, lol. That picture held something of the attention-seeking-diva, but with a great deal of tenderness in it. And look! I finally made myself a proper Lance icon! Though all I needed was the picture. No caption could have added much to it. lol.

[gjstruthseeker.livejournal.com]

I mean, the will to do what pleases you, and the understanding that even though disappointing, the fact you might not get backup on your choices from your parents isn't reason enough to stop trying and believing in yourself.

See, thing is, I'm not like that on things that actually require me to be brave. Honestly, if I could do it, I'd either take a semester off or just temporarily suspend the college thing right now, and go out to a real city, someplace like Los Angeles or New York, maybe even Denver or Atlanta, and see about making it work for myself there, doing something real. The actual going out and finding jobs, an apartment, all that isn't what worries me - what does is that my parents would outright refuse to support such (perceived) blatant lunacy on my part, and I don't just mean financially. So while I may have no compunction about dancing along to songs as I'm waiting in line at the bank or doing things they either don't understand or approve of, I'm not to the point where I have the gall to venture to the edge of their sensibilities.

How can you rebel against an excess of love and not feel shitty about yourself (talking about me, here)?

It sucks and is fucking next to impossible. Personally, it helps a lot that I don't live with them anymore and the phone calls are about three times a month. They do love you. They do want what's best for you, but what you have to realize about that is that they want what they think is best for you. And just like I may've liked tennis once, my father doesn't understand that I do not now wish to make a career of it. Parents very often don't grow with their children. They impose their own ideals and try to mold you in the way that they think would be the "best," whatever that means. Finding people, or just one important person, who believes in you and supports your endeavours is key, I think. Standing alone is the hardest thing in the world, and someone else can help with that a lot, but in the end, what you have to know for yourself is that what you're doing is making you happy. That's all.

And I hope you never lose faith in yourself because you're obviously well worth that faith... if you know what I mean.

I appreciate that, thank you. Though honestly, there's no need to qualify emotion where I'm concerned. It's a game I'm tired of people playing, and one that often makes me tear at my hair while reading popslash specifically because the boys can be so damn stubborn about admitting their emotions to themselves, much less each other. The world needs to be okay with needing and giving hugs and being honest when it counts. So, thank you for your forthrightness and faith.

That picture held something of the attention-seeking-diva, but with a great deal of tenderness in it.

That's Justin in a very eloquent way right there. He has faith in himself, he does, he probably never thought he wouldn't make it, but there's something of the approval-seeking beast that lurks within him despite all the success. And he truly is a sweet boy, raised to be kind and modest, which he still manages to be in his own way.

And look! I finally made myself a proper Lance icon! Though all I needed was the picture. No caption could have added much to it.

Lance is such a handsome, happy-go-lucky goober. I just want to kick everyone who gets him down, you know? Yeesh. All these references to violence, but truly, I'm not a lash-out type of person at all. It's all talk, unless they were in front of me, and then stand back everyone else if you don't want blood on your shirts because some of the words I'd have to say to them would have that effect. *snuggles Lance* Love the boy so much. It kills me every time there's a setback as far as the flight, the whole deal with On the Line breaks my heart in more ways than I can express, and just the general tragic hero thing he's come to personify makes me ache. Such a smart, funny, savvy boy, and yet. Grr.

[crazybutsound]

Now. Ok. So either I'm going to have to get off line, or you're going to have to stop saying things that appeal to me so much that I feel compelled to answer and expand on them right away. I fear I am going to really come out as a freaky stalker girl if I keep on. But everything you just said? I couldn't keep quiet about it.

First of all, there's the whole not being strong enough to really send everything flying and try what you really want to try. I've had fantasies of leaving everything behind and just start taking risks ever since I was old enough to know I wanted to be adventurous. I even entertained the idea of trying to find a way to teach in the US instead of France, but... it's scary and I'm a wimp. Plus, I never believed I really had it in me. Tears me apart, though.

That said, don't want to bore you even more than necessary with comments about my life. Just yeah, I can relate to you on a couple of levels, and that's one. :-)

The world needs to be okay with needing and giving hugs and being honest when it counts. So, thank you for your forthrightness and faith.

Well, you know, I agree and don't see why people can't see that as well. There's nothing wrong with being honest and open about things. You put yourself out there and yeah, I can be honest and say "I don't know you so I can't say yeah, you're beautiful and clever and all that"... but I still admire your faith and willingness to put yourself out there. And if I see that you need support and hugs, why not give them? It's not going to do me any harm, and sometimes, it does help a little, so... They might only be virtual hugs, but still... it's all I can offer and I think it's already a little something.

Less seriously. I am sooo with you about Lance. The only things we've ever heard about *nsync over here were the whole Britney/Justin thing, and Lance's space trip fiasco. So as soon as my friends discovered my "shameful" love of the boys, they kept making fun of Lance. And I just can't stand that. I mean, obviously, he's entirely successful, very wealthy and all that, but... he's also the ugly duckling who tries and repeatedly breaks his beak on the dirt. Poor thing. I think it's mainly jealousy on the part of those who mock. Because hey, here's someone you'd probably sell your mom to be/meet/whatever, and yet, you know you'll never get there so you're jealous... when that same person falls, in full view of everyone, you're bound to be gleeful. Kick someone while they're down, especially if you won't admit you still envy what they have.

And I agree with you, he's a smart, funny and savvy boy, and what people probably envy the most about him is his willingness to try, even if it means being ridiculed. I'd like to see even one of those ill-talking people try to reach their dreams at the risk of falling.

And yeah, I love him. Probably not the most healthy crush for a 28 year old French girl, but who cares. *snuggles Lance*

Ok, I'll go, now. Sleep or watch OZ or something, try and keep from spamming your lj so much, lol. ;-)

[gjstruthseeker.livejournal.com]

I fear I am going to really come out as a freaky stalker girl if I keep on.

*g* You're fine. We're all having a good time here, no?

That said, don't want to bore you even more than necessary with comments about my life.

It's a public forum, as much as we'd like to think of them as private journals. And let's face it, we wouldn't be here if that idea didn't appeal to us. We're all living life here. Please, feel free.

They might only be virtual hugs, but still... it's all I can offer and I think it's already a little something.

They've been plenty wonderful, truly. Thank you.

And I agree with you, he's a smart, funny and savvy boy, and what people probably envy the most about him is his willingness to try, even if it means being ridiculed. I'd like to see even one of those ill-talking people try to reach their dreams at the risk of falling.

An excellent point. Such a brave, brave boy. It gives me immense amounts of hope, this sort of resilience he possesses, in fandom too as far as the Joey/Lance pairing. It's just a pairing that I honestly despaired for for a while, one that I loved but couldn't work out regardless of how I approached it. What's funny is that both of them have grown as people and characters. Reading a lot of fic will do that, offer different perspectives and such.

"Spam" away anytime, sweets. It's been grand fun so far.